Not to take it to church this week or anything, because let’s be honest, I, in no way should be an example or be one to preach to the masses. This is my journey and as we all know by my posts, my journey is long and I have a long, long… long way to go.
But since this is my journey, this is top of mind for me this week. Every morning, part of my routine is to roll over, either snuggle up to warm up to my hubby or if he is out of bed, reach over for my phone. I know, pretty terrible for my phone to be the first thing in the morning I grab for, but it’s true. I check all my notifications, a quick glance over my email, then open my Bible app. I use the quick, easy and free YouVersion Bible app, not a commercial, it is just what I use. It has a variety of options, but I really just do the verse of the day and the chapter associated with it. Sometimes it is just a couple minute read or maybe a few more, but usually no more than 10 minutes. I found that it helps to ground me and kind of helps to start my day out with a grateful heart. Let’s just say, I can tell when my routine gets shifted and I miss it. Like I said, I am a work in progress and my relationship with God is first off, MY relationship with God, but also growing. I’m trying to be better as a person. Some days I succeed, and many more, I feel I am ready to go bonkers. I find myself feeling like I definitely need to chalk the day up to a wash or worse that it goes in the books as a negative for trying to be a positive influence on my littles. Either way, I kind of use my morning read as a reset button and a time to just do something for me, my spirit and my growth.
The point though of this piece isn’t to talk about the bible app, but more so, how one of the morning reads this week fit perfectly in with how I was feeling that day but also, with something that my gracious Aunt sent to me. The Bible verse for the day was, “Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Mark 11:24 NIV
There are a number of big things happening right now in my world, from the kids remote learning, getting this blog up and running, trying to maintain life and the balance of much needed rest and working on my recovery, the laundry list of tasks yet to be done, COVID and the political drama, racial tensions, and the uncertainty of what the future holds. Needless to say, with all that I just mentioned and then some, I have been finding myself praying a lot. In some cases, even begging one would say; funny, not funny.
Until I read this passage, I failed to realize that there is a part of me that believes I do not deserve my prayers to be answered. Although I strive for success, part of my inner self feels like, why me? Why should I be the one to have my prayers answered? What makes me so damn special? There are so many people in need of so many things right now, why should my prayers be top priority?
Perhaps the idea that if you don’t truly love yourself it seems hard to allow others to love you. If I don’t love myself, why should God?
The fact of the matter is, I really am just like everyone else, special but only in my own unique way. We are all uniquely different and yet so very much the same. I don’t need to be the ‘special’ that we all think of, or even what my inner self thinks of it to be. I just need to be me. Plain and simple. Why is it simple, because God loves me, all of me. God knows I am imperfect and that I make mistakes all the time. God knows I can be corky and corny, soft and sweet, yet hard and salty. God gives me grace all the time, perhaps I should give myself some too.
The plain truth is, I have prayed so many prayers in my day, and looking back, I have always had them answered. Perhaps not exactly as I had imagined but non the less, my needs absolutely met and then some.
Yet here I sit, still in this lack of belief, that for some reason or another I don’t deserve my prayers answered or even worse that my dreams, needs or wants aren’t a priority.
Here’s the deal, thinking on this more, God has shown me He loves me (not just the Bible telling me) and I am an action girl when it comes to love. I need to hear it for sure, but more importantly I need to feel it. Yes, I have had some really bad things happen to me, been through some really bad times, and even done some bad things. But I have always felt God’s love and seen it in the end.
My Aunt, who is AN AMAZING FRIGGIN WOMAN, and truly one of my primary confidants, wrote something and sent it to me. It is jewel worthy material, like perfectly stated. It is a poem and flawless as is. I want to share it with you but will do so after this post. Hopefully it will help bring it all together. Her poem is titled, “If it is meant to be”.
The premise is this, and it ties in with my Bible message this week. If it is meant to be, it will have some grace behind it. It may not be easy, in fact, it may be the hardest thing you will ever go through or ever do, but it will help you either grow, help you become better, do better, be better or lead you to exactly where you need to be. It will either meet your goal perfectly or lead you to a new goal you never even thought of but realize it is way better than your original plan.
In life, there will always be the need for prayers, and it will ebb and flow with good times, hard times, holy sh*t times and the in-between. One of my prayers is for guidance. Guidance on what is my path and what is it that I need to be doing, writing, this blog, what? So, I’m sticking with what has grace behind it. For now, I am writing. I love it. I enjoy it and it is actually very therapeutic. I am growing and I am little by little becoming a better version of myself. This journey may change directions but for now, I am following my heart and the grace.
If you are going through something in your life right now, and I know we all are at some level, loss of job or feeling like it is chipping away at your soul little by little, sickness, kids running you ragged, failed relationship or strained relationships, financial woes, friggin COVID, friggin politics causing anxiety, etc. the list could be very long here. Whatever it may be, take a look at it, your goal or prayer, and see if it has some grace behind it. Because if it is meant for you, it won’t be toxic, and it will instead bring peace and a bit of joy into your life and into your heart. Kids will run you ragged most days let’s be honest, but there are so many moments of grace filtered in there as well. If a relationship is strained, does it make you feel, for the most part, like home or like being with a stranger? Is your sense of self better for being in or near that relationship or do you feel you are losing a bit of yourself every day? Does your job only bring you anxiety and stress with no relief? Is it toxic for you and eating away at your health or does it provide for you in a way that lets you be and live the life you want or need? If you are someone who prays, believe that you deserve your prayers to be answered and be patient for guidance and grace. Just be sure to follow that grace.
So, think on it a bit. Is something in your life, something you have been praying about or that is weighing heavily on you… is it… meant… for you? Does it have grace? Does it feel like home? Or is it something that maybe you need to think on, pray about or find a way to follow the grace or do you need to let it go? Regardless, you deserve for your prayers to be heard and for your prayers to be answered, just as I do. You deserve to find grace and the grace to find exactly what is meant for you.
I am still in search for mine, but in the meantime, you know exactly what I will be doing. Stay tuned for the next blog coming at you soon.
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