As I was skimming through TikTok, I stopped at a chic with an English accent talking about being a ‘baddie’. Meaning she knew that she was fierce, and she made zero apologies or zero excuses for it. She accepted fully who she was and truly embraced it. The older I get the more I think back to those golden college years where I was always trying to find my skin. You know the saying, confident in the skin you’re in. It is hard to explain, I was quite literally a walking oxymoron. I did me, to the fullest. I didn’t apologize for ever being the first or the last to the dance floor, I was not shy to talk with literally anyone who came around the corner, I welcomed all ages, ranges, colors, and demographics of people into my life, acknowledging each for the layers that they added to the person that I am today. I quite literally did my own thing most of the time, living in my own little world. But in that world was a thick layer of self-consciousness and doubt questioning if I was ever good enough. I loved hard and tried to always walk in kindness but never really granted myself the same grace. Like I said, an oxymoron.
I did not embrace my vibe, my aura, my ‘jenesequa’ (‘Jen sais quoi’ – French for ‘I don’t know what’) that thing that made me, well me.
Looking back even further, starting as a child, I was told, I was ‘too much’, ‘too outgoing’, and ‘too much of a free spirit’. Mind you, I was raised in an incredibly strict church environment, where jeans were a ‘too much’ for a lady. Funny to think where I started vs where I am today. She-woman what!! I digress.
That same mantra repeated for most of my life. From family saying that ‘oh that’s Hannah for you’ but not in the endearing way, friends always sending me to break the ice even though I wanted no part in an introduction, or in the workplace jealousy or stiff men thinking I am overstepping the male ‘superior’ boundaries (yes, superior in quotes for a reason). Perhaps years and years of being told on various levels that who I was, was too much, somehow, I internalized as, I was not enough.
Nearing my forties, I say bump that shitty inner dialogue. The fact that I am fierce and quite literally extra at times, is who I am. I am outgoing, loud, and I do not shy away from a challenge or putting myself out there. I speak my mind fully and will never cower from sharing my opinion. I will always break the ice and try to conversate and share my openness with those around me. I will remain nimble and able to grow and learn but also embrace who I am, all of me, even the bits that are ‘too much’.
If you are a woman, man or kid still trying to find your skin out there and being told, that you are too loud, too proud, or too outspoken, I say embrace that shit and tell whoever is indicating that you are too damn much….
To. Go. Find. Less.
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