You know the adage… “man-up’? It’s the be strong, muster through, toughen up kind of saying that well, means next to nothing for me now that I am a mom. Now, I like to think of it as ‘Mom-Up’.
That’s because there is no greater strength to deal with pain in my book than delivering a child out of your ‘who-ha’. There is no greater ‘muster through’ than bloody cracked nipples that requires literally a gasp for air EVERY TIME your baby latches. And no greater ‘toughen up’ than a mom who has done everything possible for her child, from no sleep, to her physical body changes and body pain, to feeding, changing, whipping, cuddling, and caring for another far more than she cares for herself for years, to have that child look at her with disdain all because they made a bad choice and got into trouble. Yeah, I took his video game privileges away, but I had to yell at him several times not to do something and yet again he did it. So how else am I to teach him? And I am sitting here with the ‘toughen up’, don’t let it get to you, he still loves you, thoughts running through my mind. Even worse, I have mom guilt, like I am the one who did something wrong. But you test me, and you will regret it. I am a mom first not your friend because I am trying to raise a productive, kind human being not a selfish, everything handed to him kind of man. So, I deal with the criticism in his eyes and ‘mom-up’.
Being a mom is difficult enough for anyone, but now with this pandemic, and being a teacher and a mom, a cook and a cleaner, a friend and a playmate is tough. I am fortunate to be home and can’t imagine the frontline workers who have the added worry of bringing home germs to their littles or ‘who is going to care for their kids’ worry while they are at work. My heart goes out to you sister… cuz damn, this shit is hard.
I haven’t been away from my kids for longer than an hour (a once a week, highly coveted, hour long walk by myself) in almost 2 months. And I am starting to feel it. I never thought a day would come when I want to get away from my kids. I was always in the I am not around them enough boat… but man… I tell ya… this momma could use a break. I’m talking a full day of DO WHATEVER I WANT and DO NOTHING FOR ANYONE ELSE BUT ME kind of day, morning to night. God, you know how much I could accomplish! I mean, I could probably get a few writing’s in, do some yoga, go for a walk, sleep in, take a long bubble bath, do a face mask, talk with friends or family UNINTERUPTED, watch a movie, only do MY DISHES for a day, get a workout in, have a peaceful glass of wine and still have half the day to myself! Oh, the bliss.
I find myself yelling far more and with far less patience than I usually have. I know why, the unspoken stress of the current state of the pandemic, the worry for my kids and husband, the worry for family and friends, the unknown of the economic state and what’s to come in the coming months with this whole situation. I have a medical condition that affects my lungs already, so I get to worry about that little piece as well and with the usual ‘mom brain’ I then think of ‘what if’s’ like who will take care of them if I go into the hospital or what will happen if something happens to me and they have to deal with losing their mom and the trauma of that. All those super helpful and healthy thoughts, right.
I worry but I pray. I really do try not to worry but it’s there regardless. I think it is somewhat ingrained in me. But, the reality is I can only mitigate the risk the best I can, love on my babies as much as I can, teach my kids the best I can, cook and clean when I can, write when I can, and the rest is really just going to play out as it should. I can hope for the best and stay focused on what’s important. I can try to cherish the moments I have with my kids and take OH-SO DEEP breaths when needed to get through this. I can realize that I’ve been through much worse and came out stronger for it. I can ‘MOM-UP’ like I have so many other times. I am a mom, I am tough and I can do this, and guess what, I will be stronger in the end for it.
So chica’s… stand up and let me hear ya scream it… yeah I said scream because we all sometimes need to just do it… “I AM A FRIGGIN MOM…A FRIGGIN MOM… I CAN… AND WILL… ‘MOM-UP!!”
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